Fresh Fire

For the past few weeks now I’ve been experiencing the most awful pains. It feels like something stabbing and throbbing my heart at the most random moments, causing me to have mood swings. Boy, if physical pain is bad, then what do you say about spiritual pain?

Last night, while I was having a sleepover with some friends, something made a huge blow in my heart. Yes, I’ve been suffering for quite some time now. But this pain was so strong, I couldn’t have one moment of peaceful slumber. Something kept striking my heart and tormenting my mind.

I’ve known for a long time now: the Christian walk with God is not a race, therefore, not a competition. But rather more of a relay or a marathon. Where how fast you go is not a factor, nor is your speed.

Last night, I was reflecting on my past. The memories. The mistakes I made. The pain. Then to the point where God found me to guide me in beginning a new chapter in life. But nothing came to fruition. How was I impactful to people I thought? How have I blessed others? Am I being the reflector of God’s love and glory as we should be through my days of my life and times of service to Him? Am I leaving behind a legacy?

Then onward to another question. The big “WHY? behind the WHAT?” Yes, I have been serving. In the church. In the CF. But for what purpose? What was the reason I’m doing all of this? Is there an ulterior motive? Doing things for my own glory? Doing all those things blindy and mindlessly? If not, why aren’t I bearing fruit? Is it not God’s timing?

All the thoughts in my head. I’ve been thinking too much. I felt horrible, guilty and selfish. There I was at a point where I wanted to give up. Forfeit myself from this marathon. I couldn’t take much more of the pain and sorrow. I wanted to give up.

The way God called and ignited the fire in my heart again to continue to do His will was kinda hilarious. I was thinking about the good ol’ times I had with my jogging buddies. We see each other quite often, so you can imagine how many times we jog within a week. Although most of the time we end up hurting each other when playing with our frisbees. There was one day we had our usual jog. I got exhausted instantly. Perhaps I’m becoming more lethargic I thought. Hence, my skinny figure. And then a good friend jokingly said,”C’mon Brandon! Let’s go! Team FBC man! You can do it! Jesus went all the way man!!!”

JESUS WENT ALL THE WAY

What can be more painful than what Jesus went through? Not just the physical pain, but also the spiritual pain. We don’t know for sure what was going on in His heart that time, but He was having a hard time going through it, can we assume? Plus, praying to the point where His sweat became blood. And yet, He survived. He lives. Even today.

It was still too early to throw the towel I thought. So what if I fail? Is it not better than doing nothing at all? How will we ever learn and grow without making mistakes in our Christian lives? You’ve known all of this, don’t you Shia?

Early this morning, I was the first to wake up. The rest of my buddies were still having their “happy hour” in dreamland. I seized the opportunity to pray.

Still struggling here. But its worth every last second. I can’t wait to reach the finishing line of this marathon.

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I was comparing my writing styles for my blog a few days ago; looking back at my previous posts. Man, so much has changed. 2009 is gonna end soon can you imagine? Its like, 1 minute is equivalent to 30 seconds now.

Renewed
BShia